After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Only a mother’s love …
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november