@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

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@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@TweetToTheVoid2

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

@Mom_Overboard

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@knottedwings

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.