I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The asteroid..
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.