Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!