Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis