Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@The_Big_Drink

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

@bencoffeehall

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

@kryzazzy

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@noog

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

@maughammom

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

@slobear

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@BruceForce

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD