Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“There’s an all you can eat–”
My spinning empty office chair
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD