please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.