It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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Print is alive and well!!!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
this is how life feels
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭