Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…