Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans