Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?