Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.