[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
gentlemen, hear me out
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer