This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
im all 3
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays