Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Whoa 😂
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.