Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.