Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they鈥檙e all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
This is hilarious….
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we鈥檒l be dining at the gas station.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn鈥檛 jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Before & after 馃槄
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Job interviewer: “It says on your r茅sum茅 that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I鈥檓 a pelican