*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
You Might Also Like
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“No way.” -Jose
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.