Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
“I’m helping” 😅
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?