Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”