As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Happy Febuary everyone!
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.