I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Check your privilege
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?