[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
hmm conte-me mais
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve