Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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I am patiently waiting for your email
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
🤣🤣🤣
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I like donuts.
Twitter:
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”