I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You Might Also Like
The cashier just checked me out.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need