*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.