I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
She puts the hot in psychotic
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
and this one
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”