ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay