My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
When your parents check you’re ok.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.