SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF