guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
new shirt idea
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.