Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
liiiiiiiiike
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?