[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Guys, I found it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target