For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not