Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
The Assassin.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap