I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.