professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands