My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?