“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
New Tinder profile.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!