My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”