Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.