Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm鈥檈d me on twitter telling me they鈥檝e been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we鈥檙e both not gonna have him 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Luke: If you鈥檙e such a great Jedi, why don鈥檛 you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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yeah i鈥檓 a bit of a rebel
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn鈥檛 it?
coworker: um. this just isn鈥檛 what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My brother-in-law: what鈥檚 your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn鈥檛 she just do it herself