Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”