It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?