Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93