Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
#NeverForget
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.