Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
me logging onto twitter
It’s a gift
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.