Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Nose
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..