I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
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Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing