Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work