I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.