@Independent
@seandunn76 Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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@seandunn76 
@DickKingSmith Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
@yungshepherdboy BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
@MrSandeepP *offers Batman cough drops*
@timdonakowski Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
@stanleybehrman I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
@T_N_Crumpets Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
@Brampersandon_ ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
@jackiembouvier Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.