@Independent

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

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@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

@yungshepherdboy

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

@T_N_Crumpets

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.