me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.